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Yes, You Can Be Too Nice

July 18, 2016 | Community News

By Tracey Ashcraft, MA LPC
Surveyor contributor

In kindergarten we were taught to be nice to others. As we grew older we were taught to think of others and not be self-centered. As humans we tend to enjoy the company of others, especially if they are being nice to us. So when does “being nice” cross into a more harmful way of being “too nice”? If you are feeling like a doormat, being taken advantage of, or feeling manipulated then you may have fallen into a coping pattern of being too nice.

How do I know if I am being too nice?

Answer yes or no to these questions:

  1. I often let others choose the movie or the restaurant.
  2. When someone asks me to do a favor I have a hard time saying no.
  3. I have a hard time making decisions or knowing what I really like.
  4. I have a hard time asking for help.
  5. I find myself saying “I’m sorry” a lot even if I really didn’t do something wrong.
  6. When someone pays me a compliment I brush it off.
  7. I feel used by others but I am afraid to say anything for fear of a negative reaction.
  8. I would rather go along with the crowd than be alone.
  9. I have noticed that no matter how much I do for others I often feel it’s never good enough.
  10. It feels more appropriate to do things for others than for myself. I tend to feel guilty if I do things for myself.

If you answered yes to three or more of these questions you may be “too nice”. This coping pattern may have started early on in your life. You may have felt the need to please a parent in order to feel loved. You may have felt the need to keep the peace at home by going along with what others wanted. Or you may have felt like there were people in your family whose needs were more important than your own. Whatever the reason you developed the people pleaser or “too nice” pattern, it is important to know that it has some harmful consequences.

How “being too nice” gets us into trouble:

People pleasers / “too nice” people get taken advantage of, bullied, manipulated and abused. They feel resentment that they are doing more than their fair share. They are vulnerable to depression. They may get into debt while “rescuing” family members. Being too nice may lead to doing things one doesn’t want to do. They usually end up on the short end of the stick through a divorce. These outcomes are not to be blamed all on the people pleaser; however, by employing this strategy one may attract bullies and leave him/herself in a vulnerable position.

Being too nice may actually be harmful to others. Enabling, giving someone the authority to do something, is often talked about in alcoholic relationships. It shows up in other types of situations also. For example, a parent that is “too nice” may harm their kids by removing life’s challenges and learning opportunities. The stakes get higher as the child grows older. The parent thinks they are being nice by rescuing their kid. What ends up happening is the child is left helpless when tough situations arise for them. Another way being “too nice” may be harmful is when one does things in order to be liked. Being nice just to be liked is not honest. It may be harmful to the other person because they are not given the opportunity to have a relationship based on authentic interaction and fair exchanges.

How can you kick the “too nice” habit?

  • Set healthy boundaries.
  • Reframe how you view setting a boundary. For example: “I am loving Tommy when I follow through on this rule.”
  • Stick to the boundary even if you feel pressure to do otherwise.
  • Choose the restaurant or activity. If you defer to others needs often it can lead to losing your identity. Others may actually appreciate trying something new.
  • Practice saying no. If this one is hard for you, start off by telling the person what you are willing to do while saying no to the things you are not willing to do.
  • Push through your fear of the wrath. Others may yell to get their way. Stick to what you know is right despite the impending tantrum.
  • Learn to trust in yourself. You are just as important as everyone else.
  • Know in your heart what is right. Doing the right thing, even if it’s not popular, leads to the best results in the long run.
  • Get professional help when you need it.

Remember, it took time to develop this coping mechanism of being nice. It can be helpful to examine what shaped this behavior in you and why you felt you needed to be nice. If you are tired of being a doormat realize that you have options. Kicking the “too nice” habit doesn’t mean channeling your inner jerk; it is an invitation to become a more empowered self.

Tracey Ashcraft, MA, LPC is an accomplished Licensed Professional Counselor and the founder of Best Life Therapy where she has been transforming lives since 2004. She specializes in helping adults, couples and college students cope with emotionally intense people. She brings her sense of humor and direct, down-to-earth style that helps clients get to the truth quickly. For more information, visit www.bestlifetherapy.com.

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